The Fourth Year

Again the earth has revolved in its entirety around the sun and I find myself still a resident of Neverland. As I keep saying every year, I never thought I would be here this long. That I still have no real idea what direction my life is heading in but at this point in my life I have made peace with that. To accept that no matter how much I plan and organise everything. Nothing. Nothing will ever go the way I expected it. Yes,  you can have hopes and dreams and aspirations but damn, you won’t get to them the way you thought you would and god do they change along the way.

Right now I am unemployed and spending my days walking around, exploring Berlin. Enjoying the sunshine and what might be the last time I get to take a break from life and just reflect. Losing my job was difficult, I know it was not because of anything I did, it’s the life of a scientist. No funding, no job. it still hurt though, it wasn’t my choice and I knew it was coming but it still scared me in a way. It took away an independence I felt, it took away my choice and it has taken me a while to identify that as what effected me. I can now see it as an opportunity to embrace that which I can not control but it took many tears and lots of binge watching TV series to get to this point.

I am taking this opportunity to reflect on the changes I have seen in myself since beginning this adventure…

I think I have become a more open person, someone who is more willing to make friends and share who I am. As travelling and moving to a new country demands that off you. In saying that I am still very guarded. It still takes a lot for me to trust and completely let people in. This can be seen in how I conduct my love life. After all the heartbreak that occurred and is still occurring, I have put up walls and created rules for myself regarding this matter but I know that I am doing this. I am just protecting myself, however I am slowly letting people back in. Slowly letting down my guard when it comes to love, lust the whole game. I am just very careful about who I let in but the group is definitely bigger than it was before. I have created a little family here and it will break my heart when I leave.

I have definitely become a more caring and kind person. Not that I wasn’t before but I hide a lot of who I was behind snarky comments and in truth bitchiness. Sometimes this person still comes out to play. I do love making a scathing comment just at that perfect moment to get a laugh. It is wrong the pure joy I get from it. I however now stop myself from taking all these opportunities. I now make the effort to complement people on their appearance too, to show my support and to give kindness to someone who has made a mistake instead of holding it against them. The last part is hard some times I really want to hold onto resentment and be petty but then I just remind myself that the only person this is hurting is me. People from home (Australia) have described me as scary but here most people refer to me being kind. That is something that I want to continue.

Over the past four years I have watched my confidence grow. Though sometimes I do feel like an imposter sitting at the adults table whose opinions don’t count but those moments are becoming less and less. The joy of getting older you care less what people think about you. I never truly believed it when people spoke of this but man it’s true. Some days you do care but most it’s like ‘What ever, there is more important things going on in the world than if my black sneakers match my dress, and hey if I wear them I can dance longer and my back won’t hurt’.

The final thing that I know is now truly important to me are family and friends. Life is nothing without these connections and as I have become an Aunty now to a heartbreaking beautiful little boy. I have reflected on how I feel about becoming a mother and if I want to. I used to be staunch in  my belief that I would not be a mother that it was not something that I wanted but as the years have passed this belief has slowly waned and I think I might actually want this family. Has this new-found feeling come from my internal body clock, a desire to not feel so lonely, a combination of both. Who knows? All I know that my time in Neverland has made me softer around the emotional edges. I think my time as an eternal child has made me a better person… Who knows where I will be in another 365.25 days? All I hope for that my life will be filled with people who love me, challenge me and that I am at least making one person smile a day, even if that person is myself some days.

XO

LL

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