Day 4- Another face of Lex

  

My heart is heavy and weighed down by sadness, in brief moments I feel hope as I think of arguments to convince him to come back to me. Not to take me back as I did nothing wrong. Arguments to make him see that he is being an idiot, that love changes and grows and that I am the person who will love and support him and together we can get through anything together that our lives are some how irreversibly linked together… then I feel pathetic, how can I want to argue for someone to be in my life doesn’t want me? How can I be so damn pathetic? Each moment of the day I am racked with this guilt… That I should some how be better. I find that this pervades into all parts of my life and I feel that I am hopeless at everything. My faith in my intelligence leaves. I second guess everything I do. I question every action. Am I so pathetic and such a product of my emotions that I let a man ruin my life. Me who thinks herself to be a feminist. How can I call myself a feminist when I judge myself on what one man, ONE man thinks of me. I get it, I have to accept ‘He’s just not that into me’. That someone else will love me again. What happened though? Why did he stop loving me? Why?

God I hate that I let this consume me.

XO

LL

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