My mind today wanted to avoid everything. It needed to be distracted. Lucky it was a busy day in the lab so there was no time for my mind to wander away on me and drag me down into a spiral of self loathing and hate. I can feel I am on the edge of hysteria. Like a calm before a storm. The anger and hate and rage at him, the world … Me. Is just bellow the surface and I am avoiding these feelings refusing to deal with them. Instead I watch endless episodes of mindless TV ( currently re-watching CSI season 6) or listen to non stop podcasts. Just so I don’t have to listen to the voice in my head. So I can’t drown my soul in self loathing, because I am never sure if my truth is the hate I have for myself or the arrogance that I can posses. I am never sure if I am to have caused this or if he is to blame. I am sure the truth is some where in between but my brain won’t do middle ground. So I have to drown it all out and avoid the feelings. Hoping just hoping that I can keep the storm at bay a little longer.
PS: I know the photo quality is not great, I may actually have to start using my proper camera.