Today was about distracting myself. Slowly starting to build up the walls I need to stop myself from being over whelmed and breaking down in tears. It’s about tricking myself. If I tell myself enough times that I am ok. Then eventually I will be. In these moments or days. I feel detached from myself. Like there is an barrier of inpenatrable fog between the me that the world sees and the me I believe myself to be. I can almost hear me screaming that I am not ok, that I am not fine. That everything about my being is wrong. That if I had some how been unfathomly perfect, I would not be feeling this pain as then he would have had no reason to leave me. If, what if I had just done this, been that….. What if and then he wouldn’t have stopped loving me and there wouldn’t be this pain that I feel now. Well pain I block out now. In these moments, on these days. I feel detached and disconnected from me and the world. It’s like my heart is not connected to my body or my head. It’s like I have babushka dolled it right down into the middle of my being an entire universe away from the surface where no one can reach me. One these days I know my eyes are dull.