Thirty Two

This will be my third Birthday spent in Berlin. However this one I think will be the hardest. By hardest I mean loneliest. The last year and a half and a bit had been amazing. I met someone, someone who changed me. Who made me realise that I could love again. That someone could love me. I know this will hurt my parents but my home life was full of love but was hard. It was never easy and I guess after I her moved out of home and my mother moved overseas I never felt like I had a true home. I would create them with housemates and friends. I created my own families along the way. However I never truly felt I had a home. Until I met this man, in him I found a home. It felt to me that where ever he and I where was home. I loved him so deeply. I can’t lie I still love him. I miss him. I have been mourning the loss of our future and it hurts. It breaks me into shards of sadness. I feel like I have lost my home and a chance at true happiness because I was too scared to say that to him. I can’t change the way he feels. You can’t change the way anyone feels about you. No matter how many beautiful words you write or say. If someone no longer loves you, you have to find a way to walk away with dignity. Currently I am trying to do that but it hurts and it takes all my strength to not call him and ask him to love me again. So this birthday will be hard. I have so much to face. I am turning 32. I am on the other side of the world and I have never felt so much alone. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. My career is not for filling me. My visa is going to expire and I don’t know if I want to stay in Berlin or live in Australia. Two years ago I knew that I wanted to be here, that Berlin was the place for me. Now I just don’t know. I know I can get on a plane and fly home to my family. To my created families and I can build my life again. Yet the truth is now I just don’t know where I belong. I don’t know what I am meant to do. I am turning 32 and I fear I have missed the important things in life. Yes, I have had experiences. I have gone out on my own and lived my own life and seen so much of this world, yet I feel I have learnt nothing. Other than I will always end up just me. I guess I have to come to terms with that. That the only person in the end I can rely on is myself. I am exhausted with only having me. It was so lovely to have someone else. To know that there was a person by my side. I just need to keep reminding myself to walk away with dignity. So in just over a week I turn 32. My favourite number the number of a true fighter, Magic Johnston. I guess I have to believe like I did before that I will figure it out. That if I take the opportunities given to me good things will come. As I turn 32 I need to thank everyone who I have met over the last three years for making the adventure so amazing. You all mean so much to me and to all those that come before you know I love you so deeply and truly. I just have no idea where I am meant to be from this day forward and it terrifies me and I guess I will walk into the next chapter of my life trying not to look to the past or to the future that is no longer.

Love

LL

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