State of mind

As I sit here on the roof top balcony of my hostel staring up to the Parthenon I realise I haven’t really given you all an update in a while about how I am feeling on my adventure.

Honestly at this point I am exhausted but I am not sure from what. All I have done over the past month is move from beach to beach, Island to Island with not much going on in between. I have been thinking a lot recently about if I am ready to come home yet and I am not. I am ready though to put down the backpack and settle some where for a while. Which is perfect since I am going to be staying put in Malta for 2 weeks which is exactly what I need. I enjoy traveling and seeing the sights of some where new but I am a person that enjoys direction and knowing where I am going and what I am doing. Some people think this makes me high strung and unable to relax but I have relaxed enough I have done nothing but relax and I can hear the thoughts rattling around in my head. What next? What do you want to do with your life? Where is this adventure taking you? The past few days my thoughts have turned to my ex. The one who broke my heart made me a much more bitter and cynical person. I thought on this trip that I might one how find forgiveness for him for what he has/ had done to me. I am not there yet though, 4 something years on and I can’t find it in me to forgive. I no longer feel seething anger and hatred I just feel a loss and still betrayal and I hate that it still bothers me.

I don’t know what I expected to find on this adventure as I guess I already know myself pretty well in that I love being near people but I don’t always want to talk to them. Just being near a group is enough sometimes. I am confident in the knowledge that I am smart and I can do what ever input my mind to, I just don’t know that that is yet. I know I love my friends and that i am great full every day for them, I just wish they could all be here experiencing this with me. I attempt to be honest when ever I can but I know this can be difficult. There a things I want to change about myself like the way I just ignore what I want to do as its just easier with some people not to cause a fuss but this gets my goat all time when I do this and then I get angry at myself. I want to not care about how I look but I think most of us battle with this demon just some of us deal with it better than others.

Hmmmm I have ranted enough, just all know that I am safe. I am happy. I am enjoying every moment of the adventure even those which are bad I am just the girl that thinks to much even when my brain has been melted in the sun and for all those concerned there has been no more European Adonis’s but Italy is still to come

Also this rant is off the back of feeling a little sorry for myself after taking a pretty big stack at the ancient Agora today whilst trying to do a timed photo standing on a column. The camera didn’t even catch e fall which is more depressing I am jut bruised and scratched with no funny photo to show.

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